With God all things are possible; but with money all things are probable. And with a good accountant, they’re all deductible.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
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Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
If every person in the world held hands around the equator a significant portion of them would drown.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
2. Stop calling me that.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Wife: Are you coming or not?
Me: Is there gonna be alcohol?
Wife: It’s your grandmother’s funeral!
Me: Then I’m not coming.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”