*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
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an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter