*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*


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With God all things are possible; but with money all things are probable. And with a good accountant, they’re all deductible.


Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!


i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks


If every person in the world held hands around the equator a significant portion of them would drown.


He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
2. Stop calling me that.


Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.


If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.


Wife: Are you coming or not?
Me: Is there gonna be alcohol?
Wife: It’s your grandmother’s funeral!
Wife: NO!
Me: Then I’m not coming.


Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.


In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”