@robotmouthfarts

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

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@TheTweetOfGod

With God all things are possible; but with money all things are probable. And with a good accountant, they’re all deductible.

@FattMernandez

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

@thelateinnings

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

@ObviousOstrich

If every person in the world held hands around the equator a significant portion of them would drown.

@MrsGagaGarcia

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

@MarcusTheToken

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

@daemonic3

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

@Jaywoo74

Wife: Are you coming or not?
Me: Is there gonna be alcohol?
Wife: It’s your grandmother’s funeral!
M:…
Wife: NO!
Me: Then I’m not coming.

@goodhairperson

Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.

@Social_Mime

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”