Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
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If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Going into Monday like
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
*pokes sex life with a stick