Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?

Steven: even numbers

Stephen: ephen numbers

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”

My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing

Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.

Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.

It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

god: rabbits

angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing

god: ya they do that

angel: they’re multiplying

god: they’ll slow down

angel: they aren’t slowing down

god: holy shit

angel: they won’t stOP FU

[ next day ]

god: porcupines

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

Holy shit he’s back

Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.