Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.

Netflix and awkward silence?

My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

There’s no “I” in angel.

But there is one in devil!

me: eat this food

baby: never

me: the food is now an airplane

baby: “never” was a strong word

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.

His answer was white. With a question mark.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: [bad at math] what

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.

If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much