Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…

“Five beers, please.”

You better watch out

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited

In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.

Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.

FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—

Me: 8PM.

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

Mouse

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.

I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect

Me: *scrunches my face*

13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.

Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man

420BLAZEIT: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man