*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
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I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Steam Forums
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Growing up was a huge mistake
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Lmao
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Body by Oreos
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots