*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
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She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth