*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
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Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…