*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
You Might Also Like
Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday