*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
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YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*