*takes my split ends to couples counseling*

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Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk


My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital


So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.


My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.


Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.


DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon


Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …


Doctor: i’m afraid we lost your father

Me: *tearing up* oh no

Doctor: don’t worry we’ll find him

Me: omg i thought –

Doctor: now if I were a dead body, where would I be?