*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
You Might Also Like
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
#Caturday
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.