*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
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do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
What if the weather talks about us?
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.