Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.

My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?

The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.

I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.