Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]

My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft

As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

she would like to bark at the manager, please.

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it