Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart

Email: You have a new message in MyChart

Text message: You have a new message in MyChart

Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart

The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart

It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.

Möther may I have a snäck

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.

My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.

That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us

There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.