Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.

The system crashes on its own.

The human race is saved by shitty programming.

If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

coming home late…

Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

Looking at you, Jesus.

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

How to unravel a sweater…

A thread 🧵

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.

mom gave me mine for free

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”

Me:

Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”