Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one

My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!

Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son

My son: say your line mummy!

Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE

Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.

“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw

*in court for murder*

I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.

Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken

Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars

*at the bakery*

Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”

Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.