*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
You Might Also Like
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
These are too funny not to post 😂
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.
Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…
Nope, no thank you.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.