*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
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[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Okay, I’m still confused…
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
We all have our pet causes.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I’m not lazy
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!