Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep

A man of commitment.

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

“That’s me in a nutshell.”

A peanut’s photo album.

353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.

Her:

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

same energy

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”

“Come out of your shell” they said.

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.