*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
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This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Throwing a Don’t Kill Yourself Dinner Party where everyone brings a dish so delicious that we remember why life is worth living
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I got soap in my shower beer again.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”
*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*
Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”
Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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