*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
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The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
A friend sent me this.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Scream sneezers need love too.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing