*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
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No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost