*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
You Might Also Like
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
fr
uh oh
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
my first dose meeting my second
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?