*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
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Snack for election night!
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
[eats all your cotton candy]
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
A McRib killed my tapeworm.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.
so much to do
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
