Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.

[Job Interview]

Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.

Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?

Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

Same pineapple, same

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.

2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.