*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
You Might Also Like
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Weighing up my bread heating options
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.