*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
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If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.