Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.

*plane missed the runway

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

Would you wear it?

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?

Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.

grandma: more potatoes?

me: sure

*3 hours later*

grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?

me: *locking eyes* sure