Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.

4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.

My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun

I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art

Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you

IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS

*breaks glass*

*a glazed honey ham pops out*

“Nice nice”

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

You do you.

I’m gonna do me.

*married sex

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.

Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “