Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

waitress: are there any allergies at this table?

me, already drunk: POLLEN

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.

Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?

Twitter is like:

funny joke

funny joke

funny joke

HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE

funny joke

funny joke

angry guy who didn’t get the joke

Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.

WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

My physician didn’t find this amusing…

What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]