Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

[climbing inside trojan horse]

general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?

ME: No but I have a sexy stapler

“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun