Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10/10 no notes

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

Breaking news:

every man in east london

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.

If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.

a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?

I love twitter

still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

Headache Protip:

Bang your toe into something.

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

VENOM: Time to meet your maker!

SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?

VENOM: No, like-

SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

SPLOOT

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school

Father in Law

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!