Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.

Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️

[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”

“You have 999 new matches”

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.

Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up