*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
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having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
As a doctor, I can confirm
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down