Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.

Ok who’s got my black socks?

Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket

me: can you just let me go with a warning this time

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

“Hi-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Do y-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Excuse m-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?

Saint Peter: Name

M: David

SP: You’re in

M: Even after that night in Nogales?!

SP *winks*

*takes a step*

*trap door opens*

SP: Sucka!

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.

[first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i’m a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.