Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee

“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.

Good morning

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

Me: I’d like the French dip

Waiter: Au jus?

Me: No, Catholic

reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.

the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”

normalize having existential bread

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station

Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

No Google it does not

I don’t think my car can fly

[mothers day]

Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.

Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.