Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.

If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts

You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose

*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*

*Adds history major to resumé*

Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved

Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.

Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”

Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER

😂

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby

ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.