*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
You Might Also Like
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
This billboard speaks to me
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets