*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
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o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.