Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{concert}

eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

Food gives you energy to nap more.

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

“Why did u jump off that bridge?”

My friend did it too

“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”

Yes. I literally just said that

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together

*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*

me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.

PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”

ME: “31.”

P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”

M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

Harsh but fair

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it