*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
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Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
never stops being funny
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now