Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist

[Jeopardy]

Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.

Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.

Me: [buzz] what is summer.

Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.

Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

~A parent’s memoir.

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

him: i need some space

me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.

If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

When my son was little he asked me where poo came from. So I went thru this awkwardly disgusting story explaining the process.
He looked up at me confused with a quivering lip and said….. and Tigger?

Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.

If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.

Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk

Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars