*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
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ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
a badder mouse
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing