Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.

It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

One last time…

It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!

It’s that simple.

Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.

[In emergency room]

mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?

dr. frankenstein: 75,000.

I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

My doctor says I only have one diabete.

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.