*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
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When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I think this might be relevant today.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.