*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
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[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.