*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
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Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED