Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*

Priest:

Me:

Priest: Look she might come back

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

when I was a toddler I couldn’t sit still on my first airplane ride and the flight attendant’s response was to simply take me into the cockpit to bother the pilots

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.

So, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]

wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped

Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.