Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.

Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.

Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

me: you’re brothers?

mario: that’s-a right!

me: which explains why you dress the same

luigi: that’s-a right!

me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?

mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.