Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
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Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
back to work
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once