*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
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Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
B
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
Always a metermaid never a meter
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants