*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
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Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
this is literally a CIA plant
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.