*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
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[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.