Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice

Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse

🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse

🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

I’m aging like a fine banana

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes

Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?

Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it

Duck *holding gun* good answer

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away