Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?

Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?

“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”

HER: You ran over my cat

ME: I’m so sorry

HER: You’re gonna have to replace him

ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that

My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”

Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza

2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?