Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.

me watching my own Instagram story

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke

John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.

Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight

Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,

Shut up.