*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
You Might Also Like
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”