Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”

*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]

Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.

My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.

“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking

I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.

Breaking news:

Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?

Me:

Husband: HOW SHORT?!

“no gods no masters” = leo

{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}

{whispers} planet shoes

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”