Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Haters gonna hate…

Masters gonna bate.

Oops I deleted….

50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”

Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you

Cats: no it’s murder

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

Wife: our daughter just said shit.

Me: oh no! what do we do?

Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.

Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.

*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said

“Engage with the wider community”, they said

“You have the right to remain silent”, they said

That earthquake could have been an email.

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.