Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
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If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I was up all night reading about insomnia
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage