Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
You Might Also Like
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.