Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
You Might Also Like
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol