Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
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before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
In Canada they just call them geese
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken