Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.

Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole

Client: [Breaks down crying]

Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

I stand by it

My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…

me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person

ME: so what do you do for a living

HER: I work for a moving company

ME: where is it today?

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.

It’s kids. I have kids.

i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.

Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

The dark side of Canada

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day