Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
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Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*