Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
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When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.