Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!

My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?

I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker

E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

Dumplings,

My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.

GRAVES.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.

Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.

“Pasta la veista, baby”

-Arnold Schwarzenoodles

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.