taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
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I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Brands during Pride
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?