taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
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“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.