Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
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Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I’m the neighbor
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.