Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or

Being a parent:

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….

Hahahahahahahaah.

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.

Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.

The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.

I said, “Are you’re addicted?”

He said, “Yeah, obviously.”

I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”

“Probably everyone knows.”

My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.

[first day as a baker]

boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?

me: you said to make donuts

b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!

m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

Midwest trash talk

Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”