Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
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Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
so i’m at the stock market right
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
The Birdles
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?