Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.

Me: I don’t know about that.

4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?

This sounds bad:

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

That was easy.

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

Deer: *frozen in headlights*

Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater

The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.

The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.

I hope this email punches you square in the face

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards

every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

Me food shopping alone: $250.00

Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75

Food shopping with the kids: $699.00

someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.

Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.

Worm: What is it?

Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”

news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.

Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?

Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.

Banker: What?

Me: What?

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye