Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”

*Whispers in random chicks ear

“I have pizza in the van”

A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

Me: when I was your age we had nine planets

6: what happened? We only have 8 now.

Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.

6: 😳

Hubby: um honey…

Me: what? It’s better than the truth!

My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

HELP 😭

You don’t see great advertising like this anymore

WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time

“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”

~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

This poor dog

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…

ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

why would tinder want me to say this

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.