Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

See Also: Going back to your ex

surgeon 1: open mike night tonight

surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time

surgeon 1: haha

surgeon 2: haha

Mike: what

Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?

Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.

Child: So, it’s affected your vision?

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.

The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.

I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

“How cute. You have smile lines”

Me: those are from clenching my jaw

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

Goat cheese is for herders.

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

Shoo shoo! 😂

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.

For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?